Author’s Note: I am (obviously) impersonating Mr. Duggar for satirical effect. He did not write this, nor would he say all of this, nor does he believe it. I hope.
Hi! My name is Jim Bob Duggar. You may know me as the father of 19 children and one of the primary stars of the show 19 Kids and Counting.
There’s been a lot of talk lately about Representative Todd Akin’s belief that women cannot get pregnant if they are “legitimately raped.” Apparently it was Mr. Akin’s belief that it is scientifically proven that the trauma of rape provokes a biological response within a woman that prevents a pregnancy from occurring.
Obviously, this is false.
However, it turned out, in the ensuing days, that Akin’s misunderstanding of human biology is not uncommon amongst like-minded people. Bryan Fischer, spokesman for the American Family Association, says Akin is “absolutely right.” In 1988, Pennsylvania Republican Stephen Friend said pretty much the same thing. As did North Carolina Republican Henry Aldridge in 1995.
The discussion following his remarks then led to a much larger discussion of the subject of abortion and rape, especially when it comes to the Presidential election. Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney are both on the record as saying they would sign a bill outlawing abortion, even in cases of rape and incest. Romney has said he “absolutely” would support a Personhood Amendment to the Constitution, which defines life as beginning at fertilization, and Paul Ryan co-sponsored a bill with Akin saying as much. And it was once again approved as part of the Republican platform for the 2012 election
This has become a mess for the Republicans, and all because of one little misconception. (Get it? Misconception! HA!)
Now, as I think one could guess, my family and I are pro-life. And, as someone with 19 children, I have a little bit of expertise on what does, and does not, make a woman pregnant. And so I think I can be of valuable assistance to people like Mr. Akin, Mr. Ryan, Mr. Romney, any other confused members of the GOP, and perhaps the American people in general.
I have obviously had sex with my wife more than nineteen times since we were married. Not every sexual escapade has resulted in God blessing us with a pregnancy. And, thank God for that. I haven’t taken a dump in peace for almost thirty years. And our diaper bill is approaching the GDP of Uganda.
So, although we are against man-made birth control, we have found a couple of natural tips and tricks to prevent making a baby or two every nine months. And while it is not true that women’s bodies will prevent a pregnancy under the trauma of rape, there is truth to the idea that God has given women the ability to prevent a pregnancy without the use of a pill or an abortion. These are natural, effective pregnancy prevention methods, proven to work by the same scientists who figured out climate change is a hoax.
So, for the family man who wants to have sex, but not necessarily have a resulting pregnancy, here is a list of Duggar-approved techniques:
Tip #1: Planned Parenthood.
Obviously, our faith in the Bible is pretty strong. We feel a connection to it, and hold it as the letter of the law. And in the King James Version of The Bible, there is a lesser-known commandment: “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. (Exodus 22:18).” So, just before we have sex, I tell my wife, “Let’s have a witch baby!” and then Jesus doesn’t allow us to get pregnant.
Tip #2: Oh, THAT’S what those are for.
Men have long pretended that women’s nipples were something to tweak, or treat as radio dials. But did you know that if you depress them for six consecutive seconds before sex, the woman will not get pregnant? It’s like a nuclear missile-key system, though. You gotta push ‘em both simultaneously.
Tip #3: Better than one of Tituba’s spells.
After our tenth child, Jedidiah, was born, we needed a vacation. We now had a bigger crowd at our house than a Ted Nugent show, and our brains were fried trying to come up with first names that begin with the letter J. So off we went to Barbados for a week of fun in the sun without the kids. And it was there I met someone who gave me another technique to prevent a pregnancy. It was a witch doctor, and he told me what to do. And now, before sex, my wife and I both sing, “Ooh-Ee, ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang, walla-walla bing-bang,” and guess what? The bing-bang doesn’t result in a child.
Mr. Akin and other Republicans can quote me as a source of good intel on this. And the rest of you should try this stuff out. If it doesn’t work, we’ll take the child and raise it as our own. If we have three more, we can field a professional football team.
You can follow Patrick on twitter: @PatrickInPublic
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